The Elevator...
Its 20 minutes until the biggest meeting of my career to date. I have spent 40 minutes walking the entire length of the hospital trying to find a stairwell that will lead me to the conference room for a meeting, that will change my career, forever. I am meeting with one of our practice managers who is going to serve as my mentor and give me some solid advice as to why I have not been able to score an interview for a manager position even though I feel my resume is spectacular.
By this time beads of sweat have started to fall down my forehead, my bangs, now saturated with sweat, have started to coil into their natural curly state. My armpits and back are drenched, “why did I wear this satin shirt?!” I whined. At this point all of the hallways have started to run together, none of the doors have the numbers I am looking for on them. In desperation, I decide to run (literally) back downstairs to the point where I started and regroup. Once I get back downstairs, I realize that I am not going to find this room from a stairwell.
“Cancelling this meeting would be a stupid move and all because of what…an elevator!? ”
At this point its 10 minutes until the meeting starts. Defeated, I slump down in a chair in the lobby and pull out my laptop to begin the process of cancelling the meeting. I freeze…I can’t cancel a meeting with “P” 10 minutes before it is to begin. P is a big deal and she took time out of her day to see ME, little old ME so that she could help me with my career. Cancelling this meeting would be a stupid move and all because of what…an elevator!?
I feel that now is the time that I should explain that in all of my 37 years of life I have NEVER taken an elevator by myself…EVER. I have had a phobia since I was very little. I would only take an elevator with someone I know. I even had a rule when I was alone, if it was 5 stories or less, I would take the stairs, anything over 5 stories, I don’t need to be there.
“If it was 5 stories or less, I would take the stairs, anything over 5 stories, I don’t need to be there. ”
I take a deep breath and I say to myself “you are going to get on that elevator, you are going to push the button, and you are going to step out, confident, and attend that meeting”. Instantly I start nervous laughing, almost cackling and the absurdity of what I just said. Then I get serious “you HAVE to do this, you have less than 5 minutes. You have walked the entire length of the hospital and didn’t find a staircase that goes to that area; you are not going to find one now. Get up and GO! Stop being so DAMN EXTRA it’s a freaking elevator!”.
By now I am screaming at myself so loud internally that I don’t know if I should be motivated or if I should go down another hall to the psychiatry department and be evaluated.
“What the hell am I doing?!” I think to myself as I jump up out my seat in bewilderment.
I slam my laptop shut, shove it in my bag, and high step it to the elevator. At this point I am smiling hard at my bravery, almost cocky. I get to the elevator and push the button. I start smiling even harder, think Mr. Bean smile. Then I hear the elevator shift to come down to my floor and instant dread fills my stomach. I start shaking terribly, almost convulsing. The door opens, I cautiously step in, and just stand there. I am fighting the urge to run out and I feel hot in my head. I go to push the button and I realize my hand is shaking so hard that I have to concentrate to steady it to press the button. I stand frozen, statuesque even, as the elevator goes up one floor, (dramatic much). The elevator settles, I stare at the crack of the doors trying to will them to open faster. When they open, I bolt out through the tiniest slivers of the door opening, banging my laptop bag in the process. I think to myself “OMG, I DID IT! I RODE THE ELEVATOR BY MYSELF WOO HOO!” I am so caught up in my victory I don’t realize I am full on convulsing right in front of the elevator.
“I am so caught up in my victory I don’t realize I am full on convulsing right in front of the elevator. ”
I quietly walk to the nearest bathroom; I go into a stall, and just sit on the toilet trying to get myself to stop shaking. I place my hands on each of my legs and push them down in a failed attempt to make my knees stop bouncing. I pull some toilet paper off the roll and wipe my forehead which is drenched in sweat. I leave the stall, wash my sweaty hands and look at myself in the mirror “you did this, now go!” I literally had 1 minute to get to my destination.
My meeting with P goes great and as the meeting is concluding I start to feel the dread rising up again. I know I have to take the elevator again to go back down. This time the panic is not as bad. I push the button, get in and go down. I step out and I think to myself “what the fuck has been your problem all these years?! This is the easiest thing you have done…by far”.
“I have been on a cloud ever since. I feel invincible. I feel like I can take on the entire world. I feel like everything I do from now on is going to be easy.”
I have been on a cloud ever since. I feel invincible. I feel like I can take on the entire world. I feel like everything I do from now on is going to be easy. How stupid do I sound? I took an elevator alone for the first time in my life and now I am capable of anything!? Well…I guess…yes! I cannot describe it but this has been a fear that has paralyzed me for over 35 years and now I have no fear at all. I cannot believe I was afraid of a stupid elevator all this time, ugh. I don’t know what the heck is wrong with me but I am about the live my life with no fear whatsoever and yes, I plan to blog every step of the way, (lucky you?). Let’s see how this goes.
-Shavogne
